Dearest CUHC,
I am writing this in a state of sheer excitement for my birthday which is (was) in approximately 3 hours. A second consecutive birthday famously followed by a third and then a fourth this week with Connor, Jeanie and Jgreer all celebrating (Happy slightly belated birthday all)! Most notably Jgreer turning 20+1 in what became a surprisingly good revs. How good?
As an apology for my previous chatphobic remarks, I thought I’d spend a decent chunk of time on this one. Aren’t you all lucky. Of course this was everything to do with making your Friday afternoon a little bit better and nothing to do with procrastinating Lecture 1 readings.
For those not lucky enough to have had the blessing of the chat that spewed from soc-cuhc-squandies@lists.cam.ac.uk last year, I love a good “X as X”. See below for a good one from 2023!
Teamsheet - Squandies as how likely i’d be to win in a fight against them
Campbell Russell - with the padding, unlikely, without the padding, i’d back myself
Jude Lipson - Neek, easy win, probably tired from cycling all the way from girton.
Will Rowlands - unlikely, he is quite literally a 50 year old man in a students’ body. Likely has at least 34 years experience of pub-fighting under his belt.
Charles Waddington - At least half a foot taller than me, difficult one to win
Joe Williams - Would either stick tackle me or pick me on the reverse
James Russell - I am at least 10% squock right now so he’d probably get confused as to which hand he should hit me with. Easy Win.
Finn Dovey - Goes gym but if the fight happens on stairs he’s going down.
Chris Batten - At least half a foot smaller than me, so I’ve got a chance
Caleb Harniess - gives the vibe of knowing some sort of martial arts or boxing so probably not
Oliver Moshiem - Will try to sell his varsity ski trip ticket, win by technicality
Toby Eddleston - knows where to punch me from being a christ’s medic, would also be able to drop a casual 39 minute 10k to get away. No way
Ben Lewis (C) - Likely, although how would you measure a win in this case?
Kyrill Borzenko - Easy win, probably PMB’d
Arthur Adams - in the true spirit of Chris Wood and brexit football, Arthur would likely two foot me into A&E, unlikely.
Ben Oldham - Would team up with Finn Dovey, unfair
Bilal Qureshi - Would run me over with the squandiemobile
Anyways, in what will come to be quite a theme, if in doubt post an “X as X”. Welcome to the limit of Blewis’ chat.
CUHC members as footballers
(except this is based entirely on off pitch events since I lack ball knowledge)
Fred - Vivianne Miedema
This man is quite literally allergic to being 100% fit. He is always doing some stretch before a training session to aid the pains that come with old age. While Fred has a great record of staying fit 😏, I think his record calls for a comparison with Miedema herself with the injury issues that have plagued her over the last few years.
Caragh - Djibril Sidibé
As I arrived at fines to watch the wblues match on the weekend, I came to notice something strange: Caragh had Froggy’s top on? Seriously large top. These kit forgetting antics can only be compared to Sidibé himself. I’m sure Carag was just as shocked as the photo conveys and the wblues were just as disappointed.
Raunaq- Erling Haaland
A comparison I have made before, Raunaq is CUHC’s marquee summer signing. 9 goals in 3 games is a hattrick on average every game, serious numbers. Perhaps he will even surpass some CUHC greats. Only time will tell. Unfortunately, Raunaq is the only reason I’m not top goal scorer at the moment. Consider me to be Bryan Mbuemo.
Jenna Khan - Neal Maupay
When I asked Amy for chat inspiration, the very first thing I got was that Jenna Khan has been lippy recently. A comeback for everything, a natural sh*thouse. To make sure that Amy wasn’t lying, I checked in on Jenna on Wednesday. Can confirm. Jenna can only be Maupay.
Freddie G - Enzo Zidane
Some of the greats of the game are from sporting families. Freddie is no exception here even playing for the team which his dad coaches! They say CUHC really is like a second family. This can only lead to a comparison to Enzo Zidane, Zinedine’s eldest son, who made 22 appearances for his dad’s team.
CUHC coaches as football coaches
Grimmy - Arteta
Quite literally one of the greats. Expert in man management and team building ideas. Extremely vocal on the sideline and would quite literally never stay in his technical area. An umpire’s nightmare. You just know if CUHC had post match interviews, Grimmy’s would go something like this.
Libby - Sir Alex Ferguson
One of the greatest coaches of all time. Undoubtably in the GOAT category. Libby may be shocking at bowling but she makes up for it in her extremely original chat, less original coaching and fluent poetry. And she’s pretty good at hockey when not playing CB in Warwick!
Flanman - Gary Neville
They say that the best players make the worst coaches and here is no exception. After leaving the Squandies in a worse place (Division 3NW) than when he joined them, he has moved onto bigger and considerably better things. However, with any luck, the Wandies might actually be able to do the things Theo teaches!
Chen - Early Erik Ten Hag
Every time I look across to Nomad’s training, I see Chen running with the team, playing in a drill or doing something that can only be described as having chenergy. This reminds me of early man utd Erik Ten Hag. My only hope is that Chen surpasses ETH in managerial ability.
After you’ve read my ramblings, it’s now time to see this week’s fixtures! Oh yes!
At Wilby
10:30 - Rovers vs St Neots 2s (Pitch 1)
12:30 - Wblues vs University of Birmingham 2s (Pitch 1)
14:00 - Squandies vs Spalding 2s (Pitch 1)
Away from Wilby 🥲
10:30 - Blundies vs Bourne Deeping 2s
11:45 - Nomads vs Ipswich 2s
12:30 - Beds vs Spalding 1s
13:00 - Mblues vs UEA 1s
14:00 - Wandies vs St Ives 1s
Looking forward to seeing the few teams at wilby, Veo camera of course now fully functioning. Maybe we will see more Rowlands trips?
Lots of CUHC love,
Amy and Blewis
We will do our best to get back to you as soon as possible.
