Tour Review: Malta 2024

Everything in this report is a true story, only the names, locations and events have been changed. 

For reasons I can’t disclose, I have been granted the mammoth undertaking of writing the tour report. There’s far too much chat from the week for me to do it all justice so instead as this is a university after all I’ve selected a few of the new things I learnt along during our trip:

-there are actually quite a lot of trees in Malta

-Anon outstanding hip mobility floats, he is also not a lemons natural predator 

-ping pong balls set on fire if you hold a lighter to them 

-Anon not today sir has genuinely only used an oven once in his life and I watched it 

-Anon ‘you da best’ is surprisingly poor at rage cage 

-Anon Theodore Reginald Flanagan is a child

-Ingesting bicarbonate of soda may cause convulsions, headaches, vomiting, muscle weakness and kidney failure 

-The zest is not in play during a lemon chop off 

-arbitrary sexism and the wokeratti are responsible for anything bad that happens ever according to Cbatts

-Anon Vladimir experiments 

-There is a reason box recipes exist 

-Heavy and fat have very different meanings

-a partner at Deloitte makes at least one million a year 

-Anon ‘you da best’ would beat anon heavy in a power slap competition 

- Maltese doorways are as comfortable as Oxf*rd players' beds

-anon skinny dipper is actually called Harry 

-Maltese BBQs are full of design flaws

Surprisingly we did actually play some hockey on the trip. Despite the fact the pitch hadn’t been turfed since 1988 it managed to pass the stringent inspection standards imposed by senior members of the men's side and CUHC proudly stepped out under the dazzling (or at least ambient) lights of the Maltese national hockey stadium. 

The first match saw us clash with two local clubs, the effects of the previous night's international pub golf still hanging over us. The women’s side dominated most of the game but were unable to convert their pressure into goals, coming away with an unlucky 0-0 draw. The men's game saw a definitive 3-0 win with goals by Blewis (2) and a career final by Harrold to secure the victory.

The second set of matches was against the national side itself, fresh from their preseason camp in Ireland. Undeterred, CUHC came to prove what brand of hockey a summer of drinking and privating very disappointing Strava runs creates. The men played first this time in a far more competitive game that ended in a 0-1 loss. CUWHC (+ Caragh) then played- it’s at this point I must confess I didn’t pay attention to most of this game as I was heavily distracted by the glorious umpiring of a mysterious man named Carol and the various chants being concocted in his honour. I think it ended 1-1. 

To end on a wholesome final note, I want to give a big thank you to everyone for making the trip as good as it was and I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. Also to the many CUHC ultras whose final act this was (Gedney, Harrold, Alice, Zara, Lulu, Eveena) we will miss you and as a wise woman once said ‘you da best’. 

Chopping off, WR

IFLM, IFLTS, FDLTGP, NTS, L, HGIH, GDBO